Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
