Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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