my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
