I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
