instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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