There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
