bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
