Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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