ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
