dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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