When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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