false alarm. still invincible.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
