Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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