I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
