I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
