Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
