Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
