One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
