I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
