ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
