The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
