don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
