I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
