are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
