One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You ruined the universe
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
