I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
