He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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