birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
