If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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