I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
