just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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