alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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