his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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