I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
