Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
