Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Drunk is a universal language darling
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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