He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
