You're a womanizer and a bitch.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
