I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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