I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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