i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
