OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
