great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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