Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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