I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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