If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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