Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
