I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
