I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize