I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
