My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
