Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
