I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
