Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
