I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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